A lot has happened in the last year... And I won't drone on about what but I'm actually pretty happy that they have! I am most definitely the person who would rather make a mistake and learn from it rather than have a perfect life and not know of sadness, loss, regret, guilt, anger and a whole range of emotions.
A couple of days ago was Mother's Day, and I'm pretty traditional when it comes to public holidays and love spending it with my family! But having just got a new job I couldn't spend this one with my mum, so had to celebrate a couple of days earlier. This was the first Mother's Day I hadn't spent with her and it was a pretty emotional day.
What you don't know is I've only ever known life an me and my mum. My grandparents and others of course but I made the decision early in not to be in contact with my dad, he hadn't done something major to make me hate him but spending time with him became an effort. He kept moving further and further away and he became less of a dad and more of a memory. I have very few memories of us together and will treasure them but am lucky that as I dawn on 21 I'm not regretting this decision. So my mum has been the be all and end all of everything I know and have been through. And it made me realise that in this pretty tough year, she's been the one to always be there. Regardless of how far away she is I can always count on her support. And I do regret not being able to spend as much time with her as I'd like, but I know that she wouldn't want to be the reason I hold back from doing things or Irving my own life.
Another big transition in my life as been the passing through of many friends. I don't know what this one says about me but I genuinely lack a lifelong friend. Someone I've known for years and can always rely on. My mum has definitely been that person for me so when meeting new people I'm pretty laid back about the whole situation. I tend to take a step back and enjoy just spending effortless time together. So when things become an effort, I tend to get a bit defensive. When friends start picking apart tiny things that have happened I get a bit annoyed that that should matter. And in turn get a bit angry. And, in turn talk to them less and less. I suppose I'm just yet to find someone who has the same viewpoint. So have learnt to enjoy my own company :)
So in all, I guess I want to say that it's okay. One day you will find the person who gets you and until then don't give up. Start doing new things that you enjoy and you may find that person there! You are never alone. Never. Whether it's your mum or dad that is that person for you someone out there is waiting to find you. And keep doing new and exciting things until you finally cross paths! That's what this journey for me is all about. And it's been an amazing journey so far :)
We'll it's started to rain here in Greenwich park so it's time I found cover!
Good luck for your journey!
Love an pugs from a rainy London
We'll hugs but pugs too
J xx
